Category Archives: Satire

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Coming soon to a theatre near you! Petraeus the movie!

English: Official photograph of General David ...

English: Official photograph of General David H. Petraeus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(This is from Pardon the Pundit)

11/24/2012 7:04 AM Alyson Durden – With the full details of the General Petraeus sex scandal still emerging, director Steven Spielberg has been selected and actors are being cast for a movie about what’s being called “the mother of all scandals.” Sources close to the production tell PTP that Affinity Lab has been contracted to cast and scout locations for the movie, and a team of writers has been enlisted to craft a screenplay. Filming is set to begin as soon as casting has been completed, which is expected to happen early next week. This will be the first time that a movie’s filming will coincide with actual events unfolding. The writers have been sworn to secrecy, but we have learned they are staying at a DC area hotel and will monitor news sites and Congress to keep up with developments for inclusion in the script.

“This is the most exciting project I have ever worked on,” said Harvey Weinstein. “We will be filming a story about events that are happening, practically in real time. The only thing moving faster than us on this is Twitter.”

Sources inside the casting process revealed the following actors are being considered for key roles:

David Petraeus: Harrison Ford or Liam Neeson
General John Allen: Tommy Lee Jones
Paula Broadwell: Katie Holmes
Jill Kelly & twin: Snooki
Frederick “shirtless FBI guy” Humphries: Congressman Paul Ryan
Eric Cantor: Himself

PTP’s nutshell summary of the scandal: General David Petraeus had an affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. Meanwhile, he might also have been sleeping with Jill Kelley, who was emailing General John Allen about her diplomatic security clearance, which he gave her personally after sleeping with her twin sister while the sister’s alien baby’s custody was being contested by FBI Director William Skinner. Meanwhile, Fox Mulder and Dana Scully got wind of the alien baby when some threatening emails from Kelley to Broadwell were released, but Kelley then took them to “shirtless FBI guy…” but that was before he was shirtless. He then brought the conspiracy to Eric Cantor who told him, “you are too crazy for me, dude,” leaving him to send shirtless photos of himself to the casting director of Glee. Oh wait… most of this never happened.

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Jersey Shore cast prepares Congressional intervention, vows to keep nation from going off the “fiscal cliff”

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see filename (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(This was published on 11/16/2012 at www.pardonthepundit.com)

11/16/2012 11:35 AM Alyson Durden – With negotiations to prevent the country from hurtling over the “fiscal cliff” predicted to fail, and fresh off their efforts to help victims of Hurricane Sandy, the cast of the MTV show “Jersey Shore” have announced a “road trip” to Washington, DC to get the President and Congress to work together. The group hopes to get leaders from both chambers and parties to meet with President Obama and Vice President Biden together for “one hell of a party” to hammer out a compromise that will prevent the sequestration, but also “bring some fun to the process.”

“If anyone knows how to bring people together, it’s us,” said Vinny Guadagnino. “We have navigated six seasons of living in close quarters with each other, and we know what it takes to force people to work things out. I personally got the house to look at art AND history in Italy. As a group we negotiated truces between Ronny and Sammi, Snook and the Situation, the Situation and the guys next door — well, Mike has forced us all to become master negotiators. He can get himself in a fight when he is by himself — does everyone remember when he knocked himself unconscious? I sure do.”

Paul “Pauly D” DelVecchio told us, “Now that Mike quit drinking he has really become interested in fiscal policy, I never knew he had such interests, but he was really the driving force behind our efforts. I didn’t realize how serious this was until he sat me down one night after we’d been partying at Karma and said, ‘If we allow the budget cuts and tax hikes from the Budget Control Act of 2011 to go through, I may go back to doing drugs and drinking, just to help the economy. The housing market has just begun to recover, we cannot allow this.'”

Lawmakers on both sides were eager to meet with the reality stars. Speaker John Boehner was overheard saying, “I cannot believe I get to meet JWow! This job rocks!” And Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz tweeted, “The Jersey Shore summit will be the best meeting ever!” And the White House was not immune to the charms of the pride of Seaside Heights either, as staffers told PTP, “This is going to be awesome. And we were worried these talks would be boring. That Deema is a ‘bast in a glass.’ I hope she brings some of that!”

The only politician not happy about the idea was New Jersey Governor and avid show-hater Chris Christie. “They are not from my state!”

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On a serious note, towns like Seaside Heights could really use your help.  Here are some articles about what the “Jersey Shore” cast is doing to help and if you want to help, please check this out: https://www.facebook.com/restoretheshoreprojects

 

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